Today I am visited again by my old friend, deep sadness. She pervades my being, hanging heavily on my mind dragging the corners of my brain down, making my heart doubt, my eyes sore and my body heavy with its weight.
Divine Homesickness. This was a concept introduced to me by my therapist Cathy. It was like a revelation on the day, an “Aha, at last! This is what I have been suffering from all along. We can put the rest to bed, I am just missing the God like state of bliss.” : ) Today as I sit with my sadness again, I wonder is it that, or is it something much simpler, much more personal and basic to me.
I have spent several years going to therapy. (I am on a much needed long term break from it at the moment.) I spent a while in group therapy. I also did a few Family Constellation workshops, and a few retreats scattered here and there. My first year in a counselling course dug a little deeper too. Not forgetting my ongoing training in, and practice of yoga. A practice of opening to myself, unravelling the layers of conditioning, the layers of masks worn daily to fend and figure in my social world, the layers of voices internalized as my own. So this is my journey inwards and outwards, onwards and upwards and downwards too, looking for freedom & joy. So I wonder with all this work why does the sadness always come to hang out.
Recently I have come to understand it is just a passing weather, a mood, an experience of being. It will pass away and another energy will move in, I will experience another hue of being.
So that is all. That is where I am today. Trying to just be with it. Not fix it, hide from it, squash it or numb it, just allowing myself to be with it. Another expression in my being, unfolding. If I can allow it be as it is, I am in the centre of my being, in my truth.